the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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