1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
