Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
