I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
