i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
