My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
