i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
