I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize