The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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