you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize