I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize