Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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