she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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