Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
