Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
