I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
