You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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