She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
