Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
