I just saw a hot homeless man
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
