When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize