i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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