i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
