Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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