if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
