im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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