He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
