If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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