I must be too annoying 4 u.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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