cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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