i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
