I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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