I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
