life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
