very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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