the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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