My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
