I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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