Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
