I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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