I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize