i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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