"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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