i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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