hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
