so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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