it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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