oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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