So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
