So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
