I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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