Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
