Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
