Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
