Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
