So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
