i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
