I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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