and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
