im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We talked him into tasing himself.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
