So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
