I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize