i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
