I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
