Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
