My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
even my farts smell like vagina
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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