i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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