sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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