Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize