Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
